After twisting and turning the whole night with weird dreams about you I can’t recall, I open my eyes. No alarm because it’s the weekend and I guess that still means something - like some part of me thought you’d be laying next to me, like on most weekends. That I could just reach out and hug you. But the bed is empty. Your pillow’s still there, sitting beside me like it’s supposed to be you, but it isn’t.

I start replaying random moments of last night in my head. My mind racing, us talking by the door, me ordering you a taxi, you putting on your boots and realizing they won’t fit with the socks on, so you stuff them into the Christmas bag I gave you. The one with my misspelled name on it. I watch you grab it, the white hoodie inside, and I think this is probably the last time I’ll feel your soft lips on mine. The last time I’ll hear your voice. My eyes fill with tears and then you just leave. I shout chao Carmie as you walk down the block, but you don’t turn back.

I get out of bed and go to the bathroom, open the cabinet to brush my teeth only to realize how empty it is. Your pink toothbrush is gone, along with your moisturizers. Things I got so used to seeing over the past few months, I didn’t even notice they were there. But now, all I see is one lonely blue toothbrush sitting in an empty cabinet. And that’s the kind of view that hits me in the chest.

It’s 11 AM. I go outside to get coffee. The lady who works in the shop on the weekends naturally reaches for two cups - one black coffee and one with milk. I tell her I only want black coffee today and she proceeds to talk about the weather and how she hopes today’s weather is as good as yesterday’s.

I head back home to the balcony, reach for a cigarette and sit down in the chair. Your green balloon still here, next to me, facing your empty chair where you used to sit every weekend morning. We’d drink our coffees and talk about what we were going to do today, what we were excited for in the week ahead and how much we love each other. But now it’s just me, and the balloon, and the silence between us until my tears join.

I think about you a lot these days, Carmie, and I’m sure this will continue for awhile. It’s the little things that make me crumble - the bus with your name on it, the doginhos on the street, my fridge still full of the apple juice we got for you, the yogurt and how you liked to put sweets in it. And the haunting emptiness of my apartment. I can’t listen to a Bad Bunny song or La Plena without being reminded of you.

The past few months, my safe zone was you. When I was with you, the stress disappeared, and I had this beautiful girl in my arms. Now I don’t have this comfort and it makes me feel very lonely and sad. I know you’re hurt too. You said you were disappointed and you called my decision stupid balkan stubbornness. I can’t blame you for any of this, but I still believe it was the right thing to do.

I see a lot in you, Carmie, and I hope you realize that for yourself and unleash the potential within you even more. No matter the circumstances, you’ve proved that you’re strong and can persevere a lot and I find that very inspiring. Most importantly, I want you to know how much I loved you. I know you had your suspicions and insecurities like everyone does, but I can assure you this was true real love. I’ve never gotten so passionately attached to somebody in so short period of time as I did with you.

I know getting over this won’t be easy for both of us, but I also believe that eventually we’ll be fine. I hope you take your time, cry it out and become a stronger Carmie after that.

Thank you for everything, my beautiful foxie Carmen, and take a lot of care. Goodbye.